Funnelling It’s all about attachment

Most of the baby’s needs are met by his or her primary care giver for the first 12 to 18 months of life.  It is only after this that the next developmental stage begins and the child begins to explore the world and the people in it – they can because they have a secure base from which to explore; they feel safe and secure.

Adopted children have had this cycle disrupted. Sometimes they have had unsafe and chaotic care given by many people, some strangers to them. When they enter the care system, many more people enter their lives, foster carers, social workers,  doctors and nurses who do their in  care medicals, staff who  manage their contact with birth family, the Court  Guardian and so on and so forth!  Children in the Care System learn to survive, talk to anyone, go with anyone – they survive because they learn how to do this.  This feels nice for us  but is not good for them – they need to unlearn this when they  move to their “forever family”.

You will need to re create the attachment cycle when you bring your child home – it’s important that they have an initial period where all of their care is “funnelled” through you to recreate the initial experience a baby needs to have.

This is where your family and friends can help:

When you visit someone else’s house, ask them to practise “funnelling”. Here are some examples:

Your child might ask them for a drink of water – they could say, “Oh you’ll need to ask your mummy…”

Your child might ask to go to the toilet – they could say, “oh daddy will need to take you, that’s a mummy’s or daddy’s job”.

Your child needs to learn that parents are different to other carers – and this will help them to do this.

Indiscriminate friendliness

Another common issue is when toddlers or pre schoolers, are going to strangers and offering affection, seeking out things ordinarily that one would expect they would seek from their parents. We talk about this as indiscriminate friendliness… It reflects insecurity in a sense the child is really unsure of when they’re going to be able to get what they need and from whom. And so they take whatever opportunity they can to approach whoever is friendly, and they do so in a charming way that often is misunderstood as friendly and, if you will, precocious. But it is a symptom of deep insecurity in a child that needs to be dealt with.

Best advice is that, initially, children should only be picked up and held by their new parents, only sit on the knees of their new parents – there is a life time ahead for them to build attachments with aunties, uncles, grandparents,  family friends – they need to attach to you first!                                                                                                                             

Ask your family and friends to help you with this essential building block of family life and enjoy the journey to Parenthood!

Creating a Good Bedtime Routine

We know how important this is! You will be following the foster carers routine to begin with as consistency is crucial as children move and familiar routines will help. We have taken these tips from the Sleep Charity website. These may be helpful as you begin to grow and develop your own routines as a family:

“A bedtime routine is important in getting a good night’s sleep.  A routine helps to support children’s body clock and aid relaxation. Consistency is key, sometimes sleep patterns may get worse before they get better. It is not uncommon to think that a new routine isn’t working but it is important to stick to it for at least two weeks in order to see results.

Here are some helpful tips to create a good routine:

• Take some time to plan your routine and write it down. Work out what time it will start, this should be an hour before your child goes to sleep. Display the new routine somewhere where everybody in the home can follow it.
• Do the same thing at the same time each day, including having a set wake up time each morning. We know this is difficult at the weekend, but it is important to have these set times to support your child’s body clock.
• Turn off all screens at the start of the routine, they may supress the body’s production of melatonin, the sleep hormone, and make it more difficult to nod off.
• Consider whether having a light supper time snack in the routine would be helpful – we have a tip sheet all about sleepy food (see below).
• Dim the lights in the hour before bed to encourage the production of melatonin, this will help to promote that sleepy feeling.
• Younger children may enjoy a bedtime box, filled with a selection of activities to carry out during the routine. Hand eye co-ordination activities such as jigsaws, colouring and threading are great for promoting relaxation. Older children may prefer to read, play a board game or take part in a craft activity.
• A bath 30 minutes before bed can help to promote sleep, the decrease in body temperature after a bath can help us to nod off more easily.
• Once in bed sharing a story is a great way to end the day”.

SLEEPY FOOD

Below is a list of foods that may aid sleep, there still needs to be much more research in this area but many families share that they find this list helpful:

• Almonds contain magnesium which promotes both sleep and muscle relaxation. They also help to keep blood sugar levels stable overnight.
• Bananas are an excellent source of magnesium and potassium. They also contain tryptophan an amino acid that helps us to sleep but don’t forget fruit contains sugar too. Blend one banana with one cup of milk or soya milk to make an ideal bedtime drink.
• Dairy, yogurt, milk and cheese contain tryptophan helping us to nod off more easily. Calcium is effective in stress reduction and it’s not true… cheese doesn’t give you nightmares!
• Cherries, particularly tart cherries, have been found in one small study to naturally boost melatonin production. You could try drinking a glass of cherry juice (available at most natural foods stores) or a serving of fresh, frozen or dried cherries before bedtime.
• Cereal is not only a healthy snack but it may also help you snooze.
• Complex carbohydrate-rich foods increase the availability of tryptophan in the bloodstream. Avoid sugar-coated cereals though, these will give your child a sugar rush and wake them up

Finally, the Sleep Charity has useful advice about nightmares:

NIGHTMARES OR NIGHT TERRORS

Night terrors and nightmares are often confused as the same thing but the two are completely different. Nightmares are unpleasant dreams, occurring in dream sleep (REM), that are remembered upon waking. A night terror takes place during non-REM sleep and may involve a child screaming, thrashing around and sweating while still asleep, and won’t be remembered the next day. Nightmares are more common than terrors but neither cause any psychological harm to your child.

Here are our tips on telling them apart and how to handle them:

Night Terrors

• Usually happen shortly after going to sleep, and last for several minutes
• Common in children aged between 3 and 8 years old
• Your child will appear to be terrified but is actually asleep
• Your child won’t take comfort from you

What to do

• Keep calm, wait for the terror to pass… Do they need to be settled back to sleep?
• Don’t try to intervene unless their safety is compromised
• When these are regular try rousing your child 10 minutes before they usually happen for two weeks to break the cycle
• It can help to keep a regular bedtime and a relaxing wind down routine
• Make sure the room isn’t too warm, around 18 degrees is ideal
• Children usually grow out of night terrors, but if you are concerned consult your GP

Nightmares

• Are bad dreams that children wake from
• Occur in the second half of the night
• Common in children aged 3 to 6 years old
• Can be caused by watching a scary movie or worry/anxiety
• Your child will take comfort from you

What to do

• Reassure them that it was a dream
• Talk to them to find out if anything is worrying them
• Don’t reinforce the nightmare – there is no need to look under beds for monsters as they don’t exist remember!
• Practice a relaxing bedtime routine
• See a GP if nightmares persist or are occurring from a traumatic event

Good Luck in establishing your bedtime routines. If you want to discuss any of these things, talk to your social worker when they visit 

Food Issues

Dr Amber Elliot writes about Food Issues on the child psychology website https://thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/advice-strategy/food-issues/

“Many children who have started out in homes that were abusive and/or neglectful face significant challenges around food. This can be due to a relatively simple association with a lack of food or it can be more complex and involve an emotional and/or traumatised relationship with food…

Why do fostered and adopted children have food issues?

Many people, often quite rightly, assume that fostered and adopted children who overeat or appear to obsess about food do so because they have been underfed or indeed starved at some point in their past. This explanation makes a lot of sense regarding why children would overeat, hoard and steal food and find it tough to wait when food is being prepared. These anxiety producing situations, when paired with other insensitive or neglectful care prevent the child’s brain from developing their executive functions. These are the skills that would allow your child to learn from your reassurances that they won’t be starved again or your attempts to extend the amount of time they can wait for food using your best reward-punishment thinking.

Other food-related problems can be indicative of the need for control which blights the relationship experiences of many developmentally traumatised children. This is because they have not had the experience of being able to relax into and trust that their carers will meet their needs and/or treat them fairly without the need for the child to use manipulative strategies.

Use this link to read more about food issues Food Issues – The Child Psychology Service

Top Tip 1

Understand your own reactions to your child’s food issues. You may have particularly strong ideas about how much food is appropriate or other ways in which people/children should behave around food. You may feel quite frustrated or angry that your reward-punishment strategies are not impacting on your child’s food issues. Try to understand and deal with your feelings about these issues before you try to tackle the issue with your child.

Top Tip 2

If your child is anxious about food and its availability, perhaps they are stealing or hoarding food. Do not restrict their access to it; this will only increase their anxiety. Reassurance will not cause harm but is unlikely to prevent the behaviour. Facilitate their access to food and their ability to keep food close, perhaps provide them with a secure tin to keep (relatively healthy) food in hygienically. It can also be useful to put the fun back into your food-based interactions with you child. Try baking together. Prepare for and encourage mess, fun and giggles.

Top Tip 3

If your child is overeating or unable to sense when they are full, then help them to understand their bodily feelings of fullness by using empathic commentary i.e. “ooh you must be really hungry because we’re late having our lunch” or “oh gosh I bet your tummy feels quite bloated, we’ve had a very big meal!”. There is no need to ask questions about this and make sure this is said in a fun, non-judgemental way. Otherwise, it is likely that your child’s defences will be activated and they will be unlikely to meaningfully draw a link between what you have said and their bodily sensations.

Top Tip 4

Contrary to our culturally ingrained reward-punishment thinking, trying to restrict the eating of overeating children or encourage the eating of “fussy” eaters (who react this way as a reaction to their early trauma) are unlikely to be effective. Trying to shape their eating behaviour with punishments (including disapproval or sitting at the table until they have finished what they are given) or rewards (star-charts for trying something new or praise for not requesting extra food) fail to address the emotional/trauma origins of their behaviours and will, in all probability, raise their defensiveness. This is because their eating pattern and/or their relationship with food serves an emotional function and is not just the product of bad habit. These emotions are strong and will dominate a child’s behaviour. Making them feel that they should not have that emotion will only increase shame. Negative emotions around food are likely to increase the strength of the food issue”.

If food is becoming an issue, visit the child psychology website and talk to your social worker to discuss your worries further. Try not to let food become a battle ground and remember PACE, be playful, accepting, curious and empathic

Telling

There are times when children are placed for adoption at a very young age – they may be the sibling of a child already placed with you, a young sibling of an older child who understands, age appropriately, that they are adopted or a young child being placed for early permanency.

Sometimes people struggle with “telling” a younger child they are adopted. People tell us that they have waited for “the right time/the right age” and that that child didn’t ask. However, we are usually having this conversation when “not telling” has caused a problem; what is the right time or age (?) and children won’t ask if they don’t know there is something to ask.

The easiest approach is to make sure that a child grows up knowing, and comfortable with the fact, that they are adopted. If you are comfortable with it, they will be.

One adopter told us about how she approached this with her first child, placed when she was 9 months old. Mum drew out her baby’s story in stick people onto a poster and put it above the cot. It became a bedtime ritual to point to the different stick people and tell the story,

“Once upon a time there was a baby called Joy. Joy’s mummy couldn’t keep her safe and everyone was sad and worried. A special lady came to take Joy to a safe place where she would be warm and fed and safe. The special lady had a special job – to find the right family for Joy. She looked very hard and one day she found Anne and Ben. Anne and Ben wanted a little girl to love and look after. The special lady knew that Anne and Ben would be able to keep Joy safe, warm and fed and would love her very much, so she brought them to meet Joy and they loved her so much, they took her home to live with them in their family”.

Joy grew up never not knowing she was adopted.

You can do the same thing with bedtime stories, choosing stories about the different ways that families are made and saying, “look, just like us!” For example,

The Lamb-a-roo

Illustrated by Rosalind Beardshaw

(Frances Lincoln)

“When a lamb is adopted by a kangaroo, he’s very happy with his new family but worried that he doesn’t look like them. He sets out to change himself, but, in the process, he discovers that who you are is more important than what you look like. This story about adoption was inspired by my beautiful, brown-eyed adopted daughter who longed to have blue eyes like the rest of the family”.

There are many other examples you can find at the library, your local bookshop or online.

If you are adopting a sibling group with an older child or already have a child, these bedtime stories can “speak” to both children on different levels. It might be that your older child will feel able to ask questions that they wouldn’t, if the “door wasn’t opened for them”.

Don’t wait for your children to ask. Make adoption a normal part of every day life, bring it into conversation and notice when an adoption story comes up on television, in stories or in conversation and help them make the link to the special story that is theirs.

Contact with Birth Family & Openness in Adoption

A recent survey of adopted adults – PAC-UK ‘Big Consult’ has revealed new insights into adoption experiences. Some of the key points from the Big Consult report have revealed:

• Over 70% of adopted people state there is not enough information about why they were adopted and about their birth parents.
• 85% of adopted people had attempted contact with birth parents after reaching 18 and 92% were glad that they attempted contact.
• 76% of adopted people said that direct contact with birth parents should be standard practice.
• 90% of adopted people feel that adoption should be more open.
• Only 12% of birth parents received letterbox letters, from children, for 6 years or more
• 62% of birth parents had contact with children when they were over 18, as adults.

As positive as adoption is, children inevitably experience a great deal of loss through not growing up within their birth family and moving from their foster carers. This can cause many complex issues for children as they grow. Maintaining some contact with birth family members can help reduce feelings of loss and rejection for adopted children and aid in the development of their holistic sense of identity. Many children and adopted young people experience “Adaptive grieving”- this could be likened to a process of coming to terms with their adoption. Children may question- ”What would I have been like if I had grown up in my birth family?” “Would I have been a different person?” In many cases contact can help with this process.

Contact can help you as the child’s parent/s to see the birth family as individuals who loved their child but did not have the ability to meet the child’s needs or keep them safe. This will help when you are talking with your child about their history.

Contact will only ever be planned if it is in the child’s best interests. What we are learning is that it is in the best interests of most children to have some contact with their birth family- whether this is letterbox or face to face contact. We understand much more now about the benefits of children being able to maintain lifelong relationships- something that adopted children in the past had no way to do. If contact is planned as being in your child’s best interests do whatever you can to promote and facilitate this. That way you can confidently tell your child when they are older that you did your part and were able to put their needs first- as any parent should do.

You will be asked to write a “Settling in letter” to birth parents/other family members. This is a brief letter reassuring the birth family about the child’s wellbeing and how they have settled in. It may look something like this:

“Dear Emma

We wanted you to know how Jayden is doing. Jayden has settled in really well although we know everything is still very new for him. He is eating well- still loves fish fingers! He is not overly keen on vegetables but will have a go at eating peas and sweetcorn. We are trying to hide other veg in some of his meals- is working well so far! His sleeping pattern has been a little disturbed but we are doing all we can to reassure him and this seems to be improving. He likes playing with his cars and especially loves running around the park. He enjoys his routine of bath and story at bed time but always wants one more! Jayden still loves music and we watch CBeebies together in the morning and he sings along to some of the programmes. We feel he is adjusting very well considering he has only been with us for a few weeks. When the time is right we will look into him starting school but this will not be for a little while yet so that he can fully settle with us first. Jayden is a lovely little boy and we will do our very best for him. We hope to be able to- meet you when he is ready to be left with another family member. We will continue to write to you each year so that you know how Jayden is and really look forward to hearing from you. Jenny tells us you have moved to a new flat- hope the move went well.

With best wishes

Julie & Ron

Finally- taken from “TWENTY THINGS ADOPTED KIDS WISH THEIR ADOPTIVE PARENTS KNEW” by Sherrie Eldridge:

“If I don’t grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered.”

 “I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption and then validate them.”

 “Just because I don’t talk about my birth family doesn’t mean I don’t think about them.”

 “I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family.”

 “I need to know the truth about my conception, birth and family history, no matter how painful the details may be.”

 “Even if I decide I want to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents.”

Information Sheet for Nurseries and Pre School provision

You are welcoming a child who has been placed for adoption. This information sheet will explain some of the complexities of adoption and also give advice about how you can help this new family as they start their adoption journey.

You can download this information to print and take to your Nursery/Pre-School HERE

The Legal Situation

Many children are waiting for adoption. Usually this is because a Court has decided they cannot be safely cared for in their birth family. If the Court is not satisfied that it is safe for a child to return to their birth family, a Placement Order will be made. Once a Placement Order is granted, a child can be placed with the adoptive family they have been matched with. After 10 weeks, an application can be made for an Adoption Order, and proceedings will commence which may take time if birth parents exercise their right to appeal.

During this time, the child is in a “protected placement” and there will be Child Looked After reviews which you will be invited to. The child will have PEP meetings which you will be invited to.

During this time, a child’s name cannot be legally changed.

Adoptive parents are delegated limited Parental Responsibility and can usually give permission for medical treatment needed in an emergency and health check-ups.

Safeguarding

It is important you adhere to your safeguarding processes.

If the child has an accident or sustains an injury whilst in your care, this should be properly recorded in your Accident Book and discussed with parents and referred to the child’s social worker. All injuries are recorded whilst a child remains “looked after”.

If a child presents with an injury you should discuss this with his/her parents and, again, clearly record your conversation and refer this to his/her social worker.

Child’s social worker:

Telephone:

Email:

Parent’s social worker:

Telephone:

Email:

A Childs Needs

A child placed for adoption may have difficult early life experiences; they will have been removed from birth family, moved in to foster care and have now moved again. This will have been confusing and one of our main concerns is that children don’t feel secure and fear they will be moved again.

We all need to be sensitive if a child’s memories are triggered. They may not like loud noises or loud voices, they may be anxious if they get dirty, if they have previously been disciplined for this. Certain times of year can trigger difficult memories or certain smells i.e. bleach. They are processing their experiences as they begin to feel safer and more settled.

If a child says or does something which concerns you, discuss it with their parents and their social worker. Professionals cannot know everything that has happened to a child before they are removed into care and new memories can surface, especially through play.

People don’t expect to feel “down” after their child is placed. This is something hoped for, worked towards and planned for. However, these feelings can be normal after such an intense period of waiting. As with any profoundly important life event, immediately afterwards, people can feel deflated and then feel guilty about feeling deflated. Feeling guilty can lead to people not seeking support.

Recognising the need to support parents with Post Natal Depression is well understood, but we have increasingly come to recognise that adopters can also experience low mood after the initial excitement of the placement of a child. Symptoms can typically appear about a month after placement. Adoption UK have produced a helpful advice sheet which tells us that research indicates that PND (post natal depression) and PAD (post adoption depression) share characteristics – a 2009 study reported that “there is no significant difference in the incidence of depression between adoptive and birth mothers” (Seneky et al, 2009) and that both birth mothers and adoptive mothers described their depression in terms of fatigue and lack of mutual bonding. This research also indicated that “a sufferer of post adoption depression is likely to have suffered a bout of depression earlier in life and the catalyst for post-adoption depression is stress rather than the adoption itself”.

In another study, (Foli, 2009), depression in fathers was recognised. Fathers described their depression as anger resulting from feeling let down by professionals, lack of proper information about a child’s background and lack of support.

There are a number of factors which are recognised as contributing to post adoption blues:

Adopting a child can trigger unresolved thoughts, feelings and emotions about infertility. The realisation that feelings of loss never go completely, when there may have been hope that the placement of a child may have banished these feelings.

People tell us about identifying with the birth mother’s feelings of loss and describe a “sense of “stealing” their child” and feelings of guilt that their joy is at the expense of someone else’s sorrow.

There are then the challenges of parenting a child who is traumatised; the realisation of the enormity of this and the disappointment which can come as part of this is the beginning of an enriching but tough journey and not the dreamed of happy ending.

Finally, the usual stresses and strains that are felt by all new parents; tiredness, even exhaustion, lack of confidence, fear of “getting it wrong” and all whilst there continues to be a lot of professional meetings to attend, including in your home.

In The Post Adoption Blues, 2004, Karen Foli explores how people feel in assessment and the perceived need to present as exceptional parents in waiting, who will cope with anything and everything. This can increase feelings of failure when real life falls short of the perfection people have aimed for.

What you can do

Remember you are not alone

Get as much practical help as possible

If you are part of a couple, prioritise good communication between you and talk to your support network, your social worker, your health visitor if your child is young enough to have one and your GP.

Remember to use the coping strategies you discussed as part of your assessment.

Remind yourself that you are not responsible for your child’s behaviour – you are supporting them to cope with the trauma of another move on top of earlier trauma.

You need to look after yourself. Remember the example about when the aircraft is going down – your instinct is to put the oxygen mask on your child first, but you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first in order to save your child. Understanding secondary trauma is helpful. Join your local support group, meet people facing similar challenges, attend workshops, reach out to others in your adoption community. The feelings you are experiencing are normal and the people around you will understand them.