Starting at Secondary School

Things to think about:

• Rehearse new things – there will be many new things you need to do and you won’t be able to plan for them all but you can plan for the practical things like ordering your school dinner and paying for items in advance. Also planning the route to school and having back up plans  of what to do if something goes wrong.  For instance if you forget your bus pass to always having some spare money just for emergencies.
• Practice meeting new people – have some questions you can ask people to get to know them better, “which primary school did you go to? Or “do you know anybody here?”
• Virtual transition – look at the school website and especially the school layout, pictures of staff, and the school day.
• Join things – see what clubs the school runs and think about what other activities you like to do.
• Know who to ask for help – if you are worried about something, tell your form teacher or Head of Year.
• Be Positive – remember what you are good at and how you have succeeded in other transitions in your life.

Friendships

Whether you have started secondary school with people from primary school or not, you will meet lots of other young people and make new friendships.  Making friends can sometimes feel hard.  The Children’s Society conducted a study looking into young people’s well-being called The Good Childhood Report.  Each year they consult with young people to get their views on life and how best to support them.  The reports have found that since 2015 young people have become less and less satisfied with their friendships, so why is this and what is the best advice?

Friendships are complicated and unique to each person, which makes it hard to navigate through making, maintaining and developing friendships.  There is no magic formula when it comes to helping young people deal with friendships but the following may help you:

Relationships

You will have already experienced many different relationships with different people throughout your life. You will have picked up some skills to manage relationships and to have an idea what a good relationship and a bad relationship might look like.  At secondary school young people are trying to find their own identities and how they fit into the world, you see older children in ‘relationships’ and may want to start experiencing this for yourself.

Romantic relationships are a normal part of growing up. There will be many “ups and downs” in a relationship and this is normal but what is and isn’t a ‘normal’ relationship?  There is no right or wrong answer to what makes a good relationship, as this is different for every couple but the one thing that is the same for everyone is that a relationship with someone else should make you happy!

What is a healthy relationship?

• Trust – Trust is a big part of any relationship, understanding and knowing that the other person won’t hurt you or betray you. It’s important to be able to trust the other person otherwise the relationship won’t be healthy and won’t last.
• Respect – it’s important for people to like each other for who they are. People in a relationship need to listen and take on board what each other has to say. It’s especially important to understand that if someone says they don’t want to do something, that is respected. Being in a respectful relationship means the other person values who you are and understands you without wanting to try to change you in anyway.
• Honesty – you need to have honesty if you’re going to trust someone so the two work well together. Being honest with each other helps you know where you both stand.
• Communication – you should be able to talk to your partner openly and honestly about your thoughts, feelings and views. They don’t have to agree with you, but talking is important to get to know the other person better.  Don’t bottle things up if you’re worried about how your partner will take it, remember honesty and trust!
• Being you – no matter how much two people have in common it’s important to remember we are individuals with our own identities. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to like the same things or do the same things, it’s much healthier to bring differences into the relationship.  You should be able to continue doing everything you enjoyed doing before the relationship started and continue to try new things, go to new places and make new friends.
• Give and take – both people in a relationship should take it in turns to make decisions and do things the other enjoys. Things should feel equal between you.

Support – you need your partner to be able to support you through the good and bad times.

What is an unhealthy relationship?

It’s not as simple as saying an unhealthy relationship has everything a healthy relationship doesn’t as characteristics of an unhealthy relationship may not be as obvious and what might start off as a healthy relationship can soon change.

Relationships are not always easy and have their “ups and downs” but this is ‘normal’ – a bad relationship or an unhealthy relationship lacks any of the qualities mentioned above.  The following things indicate an unhealthy relationship:

• Being mean – when your partner says mean things or does mean things then this is not healthy. They may say they’re just joking or messing about but this is bullying and horrible for any relationship.
• Being disrespectful – if a partner does things without asking or makes the other person do things they don’t want to do. Someone who is not listening or valuing the other person’s thoughts and feelings is not a good partner.
• Being controlling – someone who stops someone from seeing their friends or doing things they like to do – who wants you to just be with them and do the things they want to do – this is controlling behaviour.
• Being abusive – if physical violence is ever used against another person, or someone shouts at someone, if someone tries to make someone do things they really don’t want to do or is nasty and makes them feel bad about themselves, these are all ways a partner can be abusive. This is NOT normal behaviour and no one should have to put up with it.

Warning Signs

If you are in a romantic relationship, ask yourself the following questions about your partner, that that way you may be able to identify the triggers or signs that a relationship is unhealthy:

• Do they get angry when I don’t drop everything for them?
• Do they criticise the way I look or dress, and tell me I’ll never be able to find anyone else who would go out with me?
• Do they keep me from seeing friends or from talking to other guys or girls?
• Do they want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
• Do they ever raise a hand when angry, like they are about to hit me?
• Do they try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

If anyone is doing anything which makes you uncomfortable or is making you do anything you don’t want to do, then you need to end the relationship. Talk to someone you trust who can help you get out of the relationship and feel safe.

Sexual Identity

Sexual identity is how a person relates to themselves regarding their sexuality.  There are many diverse sexual identities and the language and definitions can be confusing, here are a few:

• Heterosexual (straight) – someone who is mostly romantically/sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender
• Lesbian (Gay) – a female who is mostly attracted romantically/sexually to people of the same gender
• Gay – a person who is largely attracted to someone of the same gender but mostly used in reference to a male who is mostly attracted romantically/sexually to males
• Bisexual (Bi) – someone who is sexually attracted to people of more than one gender
• Transgender – someone who doesn’t identify with the gender identity they were born with
• Queer – used to be seen as a derogatory term but can be used to describe people within the LGBT+ community. It is also used as its own identity for people who want to reject the specific labels of gender and sexual identity.

When used in the acronym LGBTQ+ the ‘Q’ can also mean ‘questioning’

• + – is used to be more inclusive of those identities outside of the acronym LGBT+
• ‘Coming out’ – describes a person who shares with others their sexual identity.  ‘Coming out’ is not just a onetime event, for LGBT+ it can be ongoing as they meet new people and are involved in new situations.

There are many more definitions, an extensive list has been published by Brook which can be found here.

LGBT+ and Faith

Many faith communities now openly welcome people from all backgrounds but there are still a few within the community who struggle with the idea of LGBT+ people being part of their communities.

Many faith communities now openly welcome people from all backgrounds but there are still a few within the community who struggle with the idea of LGBT+ people being part of their communities.

Take your time – you may have a lot of questions about your faith and how it supports LGBT+ and you don’t have to find the answers straight away.

Recurring themes within many faiths are love, kindness, healing and devotion – remember these when navigating through this.

Find support – seek out support for yourself, talk to others or look at the resources available.

Find supportive groups – there are many supportive groups within different denominations or religions, a list can be found here.

Use your faith – if a particular practice within your faith has helped you through before then use it now.   For example, prayer can help you guide your actions better than written rules or expectations.

Bullying

What is bullying?

Bullying can take many forms, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, and prejudicial and cyber bullying which we will discuss in the next section. Research has shown that bullying comes from a place of power and control; the bully uses a person’s differences against them and anyone can become a bully or be bullied.  Being adopted can be seen as a vulnerability by bullies and a way they can be hurtful to their victim.  There is no legal definition about what bullying is but the Anti-Bullying Alliance defines it as:

“The repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group to another person or group, where the relationship involves imbalance of power.  Bullying can be physical, verbal or psychological.  It can happen face to face or through cyberspace”.  

School Responsibilities

Every school, whether maintained or an academy, needs to have some form of policy or guidance about bullying.  Each school will have their own process of who to contact initially. Start with your form tutor, head of year, or a teacher you like or trust.

Every school has a duty of care to their students and a responsibility to keep them safe.

Life Story

Keeping safe online

There is no getting away from the digital world in which we live and the threats this can pose, especially to vulnerable and young people.

The NSPCC has a great section about keeping safe online which includes cyber bullying, sexting and how to keep yourself safe. It also has a resource called Net Aware which lists numerous apps and platforms and gives details of the risks they pose and the age groups using them.

Cyberbullying/Online Bullying

What is it?

Any form of bullying through the use of electronic media devices, such as phones, tablets, laptops or gaming consoles.  There is a strong relation between online bullying and face to face bullying, it is normally someone who the child knows in other areas of their life, for example school.  The nature of cyber bullying means it is not confined to one area of the child’s life but can be everywhere and every day, there is no getting away from it.

Types of cyberbullying

There are many different types of cyberbullying which can be found on the NSPCC website but here are just a few:

• Sending threatening or abusive text messages
• Creating and sharing embarrassing videos/images on social media, gaming platforms
• Creating fake accounts in another person’s name, hijacking someone’s account
• Sexting (sending explicit messages)

The impact of cyberbullying is the same as any bullying. If this is happening to you, talk to your parents, another family member, a teacher or someone else you trust.  You can also contact places like Childline or the NSPCC who have counsellors and support workers on hand.  You might feel embarrassed, ashamed or scared so sometimes speaking to someone who you don’t see every day or have a strong emotional connection to can be easier. Remember, it’s not your fault and there are people who love you and who will help with whatever is going on.

Sexting

What is it?

Sexting is when someone sends a sexual explicit message, a nude picture of themselves or somebody else via text, video or message on a phone, laptop, tablet or gaming device.

Why do this?

We live in a world where it is ‘normal’ to share our lives on social media. You might be in a comfortable trusting relationship and feel there is no risk of sending intimate pictures to your boyfriend or girlfriend and see this as a normal part of their relationship.  Others reasons could be:

• Being coerced and forced
• To make you feel good about yourself
• To try and get someone to go out with you

Risks

Research into sexting has found that 40% of young people don’t see anything wrong in sending explicit images or sexting as they don’t see the consequences of what can happen to those images therefore, they are not affected by sending them so continue to do so.  Unfortunately, it only takes one brief moment accidently or on purpose for those images to be shared on other media platforms and this can leave the sender vulnerable and humiliated and the sharer being involved in illegal activity. Once they post something, it is out in the digital world for others to see, share and copy and that risk is there forever.

Remember

• Once an image is out there you have no control over what happens to it, this may mean the image can be shared at any time, even in years to come when you have a job, family, and friends.
• If you receive an explicit image from someone you know, tell them they need to delete it straight away. If they share that image, they could be prosecuted for sending indecent images of children.
• If you receive images from someone you don’t know, contact the police straight away
• The consequences of sending and receiving these images can have much higher consequences which can affect you for the rest of your life.

Online Child sexual abuse and exploitation 

What is it?

The child exploitation and online protection website (CEOP) explains the difference between abuse and exploitation.

Online child sex abuse – “involves forcing or enticing a child to take part in sexual activity, whether or not the child is aware of what is happening. This may include activities such as involving children in looking at, or in the production of, sexual images, watching sexual activities, encouraging children to behave in sexually inappropriate ways or grooming a child in preparation for abuse.”

Online child exploitation – “is a form of child sex abuse. It occurs where an individual or group takes advantage of an imbalance of power to coerce, manipulate or deceive a child or young person under the age of 18 into sexual activity (a) in exchange for something the victim needs or wants, and/or (b) the financial advantage or increased status of the perpetrator or facilitator. The victim may have been sexually exploited even if the activity appears consensual.

Online child abuse and exploitation can take many forms and include:

• Online Grooming – When somebody befriends and develops a relationship with a child for the purpose of abuse or exploitation. It can start very innocently as the perpetrator tries to gain the child’s trust and can escalate quickly. This can be done through social media, messaging and live streaming.
• Live Streaming – offenders get victims to watch or commit sexual acts via a webcam. Offenders also stream live abuse or images of children with other offenders.
• Online coercion and blackmail – coercing or blackmailing a child through technology for sexual, financial or personal gain by using images and videos of that child against them
• Possession, production and sharing of prohibited images – using online platform to view and store indecent images of children
• Indecent images of children (IOCC) – indecent images of a child, parts of a child or images depicting a child either engaging in sexual activity, sexual posing or actions.
• Prohibited images of children – images created through CGI or cartoons depicting a child involved in a sexual act or watching a sexual act or pictures focused on a child’s genitals

If you think you are being groomed or exploited online, contact the police and CEOP.  You can report to CEOP here.  CEOP also has an education website called ‘Think u Know’ which has loads of information about keeping safe online. It also has areas for different aged children with games and interactive activities to help children learn about how to keep themselves safe.

Mental Health

Discussion about young people’s mental health and wellbeing has never been so prevalent in our society especially with the effects of the coronavirus pandemic.  With more and more young people experiencing mental health problems, it is so important to understand and learn about the issues young people are facing.

Anxiety

Everyone at some point in their lives experiences feeling anxious, whether it’s an interview, exam or trying something new.  Anxiety is a normal emotion and can actually help us perform under pressure when it is short lived.  Problems arise when the anxiety is long term and starts to affect other areas of your life. Anxiety is reported to be one of the most common disorders in both children and adults (Stem4). 

Signs of Anxiety

There can be many different signs of anxiety affecting us physically, motivating our behaviours and controlling our thoughts and emotions.

Physical Signs

• Heart racing
• Changes in breathing, can become faster or slower or more erratic
• Feeling sick/dizzy
• Shaking

Behaviours

• Avoiding situations
• Agitated
• Being snappy, argumentative, angry more easily
• Not eating or eating excessively

Thoughts

• Racing thoughts, lots going on in their mind
• Overthinking
• More negative thoughts
• Problems concentrating

Emotions

• Feeling frightened or panicky
• Feeling out of control
• Becoming easily emotional, angry, upset
• Other people having a greater effect on them

What helps?

• Learn to recognise the signs of anxiety
• Talk to someone you trust
• Try to figure out what is causing your anxiety
• Practice some strategies to help reduce the anxiety, for example breathing exercises. Stem4s free app ‘Clear Fear’ and ‘Combined Minds’ are really useful tools with lots of strategies to help manage anxiety.

Depression

Children and adults have days when they feel demotivated and a bit low and these can be normal responses to stresses in our lives. However, the problems start when these low feelings continue and there doesn’t seem to be any change.  Clinical depression effects five in every 100 teenagers where treatment is needed.

Signs of depression – depression changes the way a person thinks, feels and behaves:

Changes in Behaviours

• No motivation to do anything
• Not engaging in activities you usually enjoy
• Staying in your room
• Engaging in reckless behaviours, smoking, drinking and drug taking. Going out at all hours, staying out and not coming home
• Behaviour at school getting worse, more detentions or academically not doing well.

Changes in thoughts

• Negative thoughts about self and life and the future
• Having a sense of failure and not being good enough, highly sensitive
• Blaming self for everything and lots of guilty feelings

Changes in feelings

• Crying a lot
• Emotional outbursts
• Anger
• Irritability
• Nothing seems to be right

Physical changes

• Change in appetite
• Pale complexion
• Lots of illnesses/ pain but no obvious cause
• Constant tiredness/ changes in sleep

Self-Harm

Self-harm is a behaviour as a way to cope with emotional distress, it is not an illness.

Eating Disorders

With the media heavily influencing young people in to how to look, act and what to buy, the pressure to become the ‘perfect person’ can become obsessive.  Here are many different ways young people evaluate their self-worth and people with eating disorders do this through their weight, body shape and how they control these.  Having an eating disorder involves a change in eating habits and weight control behaviours, which affects a person physiologically, psychologically and socially.

Drugs

Alcohol