Years of trying to start a family, month after month of negative tests thinking this month will be the one; only ending in the same disappointment. Picking yourself up each time to try again and again, knowing that you want to be a mother more than anything in the world and feeling like life is unfair!
Fertility is an isolating place, you can often feel like the only one dealing with these issues and no matter who you talk to they just ‘don’t get it’. Or you are provided with advice that just makes you feel angry or upset- like you’re not trying everything possible!
The complete loss of power you feel if you explore IVF, the many appointments where your modesty is completely gone by the end. The feeling of this is it, surely the doctors can provide me with a child, they are experts and so many people have successful pregnancies and births through IVF. Maybe a few NHS rounds (if you’re lucky) and the not forgetting the financial strain of paying for treatment.
Christmas is approaching and the start of a brand new year and if you’re like me the frustration and sadness hits that I am another year on and I am childless. I can’t remember the last Christmas I had when I felt excited for the New Year, it may have been when I was first starting IVF believing that year would be the year I became a mother.
I’ve lost count how many times someone said ‘why not adopt?’ I hated when people said this, as though ‘you can’t have your own so JUST adopt’. A ‘readymade child’ just waiting for a parent. I just wanted my own child and couldn’t even consider adopting.
I needed the time to fully commit to IVF until I reached my end point (which took many years). The grief and loss I felt was unimaginable, lots of emotions mainly anger at why I couldn’t be a mother when I knew I would be a great one. Finding myself took some time as the many appointments and cycles took over my life- I won’t book that holiday as I might start then, no I better not drink/eat/do that because it will affect my fertility.
Enough was enough I wanted to live!
I remember talking to my partner about what excited me to be a mother, did I look forward to carrying a baby, giving birth, holding a baby in my arms, the many firsts or being called mummy? I realised that I was most looking forward to holding a child and knowing I will keep them safe and love them forever. I wanted the school runs, the reading time, cuddles in bed and running around in the garden. I also always imagined I would have siblings- being a sibling myself I loved the thought of having two children causing chaos in my quiet home.
I had made friendships through attending fertility support groups and accessing private groups on social media. Someone had mentioned they were exploring adoption and this led me to asking many questions. I found that by making new connections with people who have walked the same transition from infertility treatments to adoption gave me a support network that “gets it.” It provided me with the confidence to explore many different agencies and also research if I was the ‘right sort of person’ to adopt. I did not need to worry as after my first phone call with Caritas Care I learn that there is no such thing as a right person to adopt.
I could adopt, this was not a ‘fall back’ as other people made it feel like during my fertility experiences. This was me knowing I could be a great mother to children who needed a loving home. I could still experience all the children’s firsts, moving in day, first day in a new school, first swimming lesson, first I love you, first cuddles and breakfast in bed as a family. I could finally become the mother I have always wanted to be and have my forever family.
Although, you might not be ready to consider Adoption yet and there’s a lot to get your head around right now, know that it is an option and one that could be for you when the time is right.
I would strongly recommend attending an information event as a first step to finding our more about adopting. Take your time, absorb all the information available to you and ask lots of questions.
We want to thank the lady who wrote this for us to publish. It’s her real story and one that she felt she needed to tell, but wanted to remain anonymous. She is still going through her journey with her husband, but felt it was important that people don’t feel alone, that everything they are experiencing in the here and now is real and perfectly normal and that Adoption is an option open to everyone.
If you want to talk to someone about adoption who understands where you are right now, please give us a call on 0800 652 6955 and we would be happy to help.